can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
