Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
