i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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