Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
