I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
