I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
