let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
