And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
