Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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