if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
