My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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