So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
