No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
