Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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