You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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