Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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