My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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