Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
