Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize