My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
