That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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