Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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