i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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