Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So here I am, sexting at work.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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