I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
