Me too!
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
my poor anus
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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