i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
