i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
