like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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