I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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