I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
as a side note pls kill me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
