i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
