if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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