I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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