Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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