Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
