We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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