i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
