You don't have asthma, your pregnant
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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