Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
