So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
