Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
