I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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