he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize