broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
