Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
