He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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