put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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