i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
