Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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