You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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