How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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