and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
