Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she peed on how many people?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
