too bad you live with your parents still
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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