I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
