I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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