you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
