I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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