he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Randomize
