he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
