The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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